Joan was a bit of a demon in her wheel chair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, making corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Joan was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and cook Clarence stepped out with his arm out stretched. "STOP" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Joan fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Joan sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Joan dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."

As Joan neared the final corridor, Crazy Greg stepped out in front of her, butt naked, and holding his you know what in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," yelled Joan, "Not that Damn Breathalyser Test again!!!"

Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97. Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, nevermind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me. In 20 years, when you look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future or worry that know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindsides you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing, everyday, that scares you.

Sing. Don't be wreckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are wreckless with yours.

Floss. Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch. Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know, didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either. Your choices are half-chance, so are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it everyway you can. Don't be afraid of it, or of what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room. Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you'll never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York city once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths. Prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasise when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you'll have a trustfund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse, but you'll never know when either one might run out. Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40, it'll look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice, is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than its worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

For once in your life, be a man,
just tell me the words, 'caus I know that you can,
Don′t leave me with scars,
that no one can heal.
For once in your life - be a man.

Communication Issues!

Yay! Vodafone did something right for once!

I have a Nokia 3220 phone that I bought in June this year. So its only a couple of months old.

On Monday I noticed that no sound was playing when I received texts or phone calls. I took it back to Farmers, which was where I bought it. They kind of shrugged their shoulders and looked blank. So I took it to an actual Vodafone store who sent my phone away to be fixed.

They've apparently fixed it, and at no cost to me. I need to go pick it up shortly.

Miracle cream?

I have incredibly sensitive skin. My hands have been cracking and bleeding because I'm allergic to the washing powder my Grandmother has. I've tried 2 different hand creams and vitamin E cream which have helped a bit. I recently got hold of some Neutrogena hand cream. Its awesome. It makes my hands look and feel a whole heap better.

I was telling an online friend about this stuff. She said she'd used it when she was a teenager and had had a burn. By using Neutrogena she avoided any scaring. I have a scar caused by a school sore that I caught off Nicole back in April/May that took ages to heal. I've been putting the cream on it for a couple of days and its already faded dramatically.

ROFL!

My friend caught her 13 year old son jacking off into a condom in his bedroom last night. She was horrified. Her partner told the son not to use a condom and to instead do it into some tissue, then flush it. Fair comment, I think, because if hes going to do it, hes going to do it.

Losing respect

Something happened yesterday that caused me to lose respect for some people.

Sappy, yet kinda true.

Find a guy/girl who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him/her, who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy/girl who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats, who holds your hand in front of his/her friends. Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he/she cares about you and how lucky he/she is to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his/her friends and says, "...that's her/him."

Sometimes I wonder if I've got too much time on my hands?

I stood at my window and watched the recycling truck come past. The young guy spilt empty plastic bottles on the road and didn't pick them up. Then he threw the recycling bin back across the road leaving it cracked and in the middle of my driveway. So I rang his company and made a complaint. The lady said she'd call the truck and get them to come back to pick up the bottles scattered on the road.

Its not the first time they've left a mess, and its annoying and potentially dangerous when you're trying to turn into the driveway from our street, which is a busy main road, only to find the driveway blocked with ours or someone else's recycling bin.

Play money anyone?

On 31 July 2006, smaller and lighter 10, 20, and 50 cent coins were introduced into circulation. The new coins have retained the same designs, but the new 10 cent coin is copper-coloured, and the 20 cent coin has a distinctive edging. The $1 and $2 coins are unchanged.

There is a transition period from 31 July 2006 to 31 October 2006. During this period the old and the new coins can be used. From 1 November 2006, the old 10, 20, 50 and 5 cent coins, will no longer be legal tender. This means that retailers do not have to accept them for payment of goods. But the old coins will always be redeemed by the Reserve Bank in Wellington.

The new coins are tiny, and feel like plastic. Almost like play money.

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